The New Black

me:"Where are my sneakers?"

niece:"Which ones are they?"

me: "The size 11's."

niece: "Jesus, you really do have big feet!"

She gives me a look and I know where this is going.

me: "Keep your funny remarks to yourself."

niece: "I'm just sayin'...."

me: "Let's just say that when I was younger I was very popular."

And it's true. When I was younger, and fags were fags and jeans were tight, the most effective piece of artillery I had when I sallied out onto the lists of love were a tight pair of 501's and no underwear. I may not have been the prettiest girl in the class, but I wasn't starving for company either. The real problem was that in later life I figured out that these guys were dating my dick, and would eventually get tired of me tagging along. The years have gone by, fashion has changed and now with baggy pants, everyone just takes their chances.

I give my niece this little synopsis, then pause and add, "Though I think my beard is my new dick." I find myself having to explain. I have not been enjoying terrific success in the wonderful world of hooking up, much less dating. However, since the facial sagebrush has been allowed to run wild, for some reason I am starting to have the "Daddy" effect on younger guys. Not that I am all that into younger guys, and also younger is a relative term. Mostly men in their early to mid 30's. A couple of times guys in their early 20's have come sniffing around, but that just sent me off screaming in the opposite direction. Just 'cause okay!

It seems like every year they announce what color the new black is. Usually, against all predictions it winds up being, well, black. It seems for me this year, that my beard is the new dick. Now the question is what they'll be attracted to, and what they wind up dating.