Thursday, January 11, 2007

Nemo takes the pill

I had a check up with my MD the other day. It went fine, but we returned to a topic that we've discussed before. Smoking. Or rather quitting smoking. I have been trying to quit for the past couple of years with no success. The patch made me jumpy, the gum was just downright disgusting and Wellbutin did nothing at all. I have also made a few cold turkey attempts. Talking with Dr. Fred, he told me about a new drug that has been having some pretty impressive results, so I asked for the prescription and picked up the pills last night.

I read the instructions, warnings, and caveats, pretty much like the warranty that came with your computer, they guarantee nothing and take responsibility for less. So this morning I sat down looked at the dosage pack and had to make the final commitment. This was a tougher move than you might think. I have been smoking since I was 11 years old. I was introduced to tobacco by the Gtwins. This was the same pair that would introduce me to masturbation and underaged drinking. Drinking has gone the way of the dinosaur, jerking off is still a great way to kill time, but smoking, smoking is something else.

I hate the smell, I freely admit that it makes me feel like crap these days and yet. It is such a deeply ingrained habit. There is a certain ritual about it and in these days of smoke free environments there is the whole forbidden fruit, bad kid in the class appeal. You as an adult get to do something that is naughty, that the hyper responsible cluck their tongues at and make disapproving speeches over. Also there are the anti-smoking nazi's, who feel they have the license to confront complete strangers and chastise them in public for smoking. I don't know if this happens elsewhere, but here in Boston, it is not an unusual occurrence. These morons do not seem to realize that their displays of public self righteousness only make people like me dig my heels in further.

So, if I like it so much why am I trying to quit. In the final analysis, it's time. I cannot get too excited over the health benefits. I have smoked for over 40 years now and any improvement will probably be marginal. I am just tired of having the monkey on my back. I am tired of dragging around this habit that is expensive, smelly and inconvenient. I would like to feel as though I can kick the ass of yet one more self destructive habit.

So I sat there and looked at the blister pack of doses. One more change. I have over the past 4 years left a job that I worked at for 14 years, the last 5 of which I spent there because I had convinced myself that I was unemployable outside of that disfunctional misery inducing cocoon. I am dragging my reluctant ass back out into the real world and attempting to challenge myself. This stuff is small potatoes. It will not cure cancer, AIDS or bring about world peace. It will hopefully make me less of a burden to myself and by extension less of a drag on those around me. So, I popped the pill through the blister pack, and downed the pill with a large glass of water. Now, I can only hope for the best. I am trying to have some faith that if nothing else it will give me some placebo effect and I will have the edge of advantage this time around. As I said, I've tried before and it has always ended in failure. The bar is pretty high, but I kinda like it when they tell me bar is too high. It makes kicking ass all that much more satisfying.