Thursday, July 03, 2008

Cheezy Doodle Dandy

The holiday weekend is upon us. And what says holiday more than making a pig of yourself? As someone whose diet consists mostly of boneless, skinless, chicken breast, fish, protein shakes, green vegetables, oatmeal and brown rice, you have to break out once in a while.

My old trainer gave me some sage dieting advice. Plan on the occasional cheat day and eat something that is fattening, totally bad for you and delicious. Otherwise, if you try to go with austerity 365, you are just setting yourself up for failure. I am trying to figure out what to have for a yummy treat. Dessert? French fries? Triple creme brie with crusty french bread?

The whole decision making process has me thinking about junk food. By junk food, I mean real junk food. Food that is so processed that none of the ingredients occur in nature. I mean, what is cheese food really? Exactly what do they make Cool Whip out of?

I was never a fan of Twinkies, I have lost my taste for soda, such as Coke and that favorite of Canadians, Pepsi. It's kinda cramping my junk food style.

Then I remembered Cheez-Doodles. Actually, Cheez-Doodles, Cheetos (puffed, not crunchy), Jax, Cheese Puffs you name it. As long as they are an orange that does not occur in nature, or at least not in things that aren't deadly toxins, I'm all in favor. I don't know what it is. Let's face it, they are disgusting. You get covered in orange powder. As far as I can tell half of the total composition is salt and yet, they are so good!

I mean, they are the perfect compulsive eating food. I personally could sit down with one of the industrial sized barrels of the damned things that they sell in the supermarket and eat it in one sitting. I could eat them until I passed out and the EMT's would find me covered in bright orange powder on the floor.

I mean, with things like ice cream and triple death chocolate cake out in the world, just waiting to be eaten, why am I fixating on Cheez-Doodles? I could enjoy pate, I could order one of those delicious, artery clogging, heart attack on a plate breakfasts that I soooooo love. Fer Christ's sake, we're French Canadian, I could eat Poutine!

So what am I thinking about? Friggin puffy balls of bright orange, cheese flavored chemicals!

I'm not committed to it yet. I may decide to go with some other more seemingly worthy treat, but if you hear that some bloated, bright orange corpse was found in Boston over the holiday weekend you'll know who it is.