Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Itchin' for a fight

Everyone should have a purpose. Every summer I am reminded of one of mine. Mosquito smorgasbord.

It has been pointed out to me on a number of occasions that out of all the boys, I am the one that looks the most like my dad. However, while I may have come out looking like a Mini Dad I do not have one of his most enviable traits.

He is mosquito proof.

You must have met someone like that. Mosquitoes don't even land on them. Or, if they do, they quickly think better of it and take off without even trying to grab lunch. A nurse friend once explained the phenomena to me and I seem to remember that is has something to do with how much vitamin B you have in your system. Whatever the case, they just leave Johnny alone.

Lil' me on the other hand, is just chock full of fucking tasty mosquito goodness. And nothing it would seem tastes quite so good as my ass.

I swear, the little bastards do it on purpose, because as we all know, there is nothing funnier than some short, scary looking, heavily tattooed guy trying to inconspicuously scratch their ass in public. Though, come to think of it this might work to my benefit on public transportation. Even if it doesn't get me a seat, it could clear my personal space a little.

And it seems like the city has turned into a pest swamp. The damned things are everywhere. I walk out the door and I am immediately attacked. Last night a swarm of mosquitoes found their way into my apartment and I wound up putting on insect repellent before going to bed! This morning as I was trying to get through my routine at the gym I kept getting buzzed while I was trying to lift weights. All I had to do was put down the weights and they would fly out of swatting range and deranged as I am, I was not going to start chasing mosquitoes around the gym.

Unless I come down with West Nile virus, Equine Encephalitis or Yellow Fever it really is in the great scheme of things a rather minor annoyance and I suppose I would rather itch and be warm than put up with winter weather and be mosquito free.

But I really do have to start spraying my shorts with bug repellent.