Monday, May 28, 2007

Kitty Korpse

When the Ganome dragged his weary ass through the door Saturday night, after a day in NYC I was greeted by Alice. Not exactly greeted. She was at the door ready to tear me a new one. It's a good thing she can't talk.

"I was SOOOOOO LOOOOOOOONELY!!! I could have starved! Where have you been? I've wasted away from 15 lbs. to.... well, a little over 15 lbs, okay, but I've been really lonely! Did I mention I was lonely, and I was too upset to eat a thing. Well, of course I had to have a little something, ya' know to keep my strength up so I could starve to death. I was upset okay! It's not fat, I'm bloated from malnutrition!"

You get the idea. I don't know what it is about black cats, but I've never met one that didn't talk. And Alice can run her mouth in a way that makes my mother seem laconic. So I picked her up and walked her around like a fractious infant while she kept transforming back and forth between a hairy sack of liquid and a clawed limpet that wrapped herself around me sinking her claws into my shoulder down to the scapula. All the while either bitching or purring.

It doesn't get much better.

Anyone who says that cats are too aloof, are not as affectionate as dogs, have never met Alice. She is kind of like those nightmare dates, Pay attention to me, pay attention to me, no really, I love you, now pay attention to me. If you loved me you would throw the catnip mouse across the room so we could play fetch, and you'd get some kitty treats out, and the water needs to be changed, you call this a clean cat box, uh, I don't mean to criticize but my food bowl is empty, but really, I love you.

In the past any cat that has deigned to let me live with it has been happy to have me put food in one end, empty the results out of the litter box and alternate between sleep and destroying the furniture. Not this girl. She is a full time job.

I must say though, that after 17 years of bachelorhood, it is nice to have someone happy to see me when I get home. I just wish she'd learn how to do some housework. Ya know, even if she just did the dishes.