Taking Inventory

I was walking down Tremont St. on my way to the train after the gym this morning and I saw a nicely dressed young guy taking inventory. You know what I mean. There is a certain population of guys who just have to touch themselves. I don't know if they are afraid that the boys detached themselves and snuck off while they weren't looking or what.

The guy I noticed was a stealth toucher. He was sort of checking to make sure he was zipped and figured while he was down there he'd make sure he hadn't lost anything he might be able to use later. It got me watching. It's one of those things like nose picking, you don't think about it till you see someone doing it, then you start looking for it.

There seems to be all manners and degrees of this phenomena. Over the years I have seen men who are shameless players of pocket pool who will have their hands jammed in their pockets up to the elbow. Some guys grab, others grab and massage and then there are the yankers, who for some reason grab and then tug ferociously at their nether regions. With these guys, it's almost as if they distrust counting the parts blind and are trying to rip them off so they can hold it up at eye level to do a visual check. Then there are the guys who just stand there with a far away look in their eyes as they palpate themselves for indefinite periods of time. It makes me wonder if they have a hard time counting as high as 3 and just keep loosing count. Obviously none of these guys had parents to tell them to stop playing with themselves in public.

Now I’m not saying that there aren’t time that a man doesn’t need to readjust himself. Those mornings that you put on that pair of drawers that you swore that you’d never wear again because the legs are big enough to accommodate Kate Smith. At least they're to loose right up to the point that your nuts decide to make a break for freedom. Then, panicked by the wayward behavior of your genitals the leg elastic remembers what it’s there for and snaps into a strangle hold on the escapees. That is usually when you see some guy doing a spastic tug and shake maneuver, usually while trying to continue down the street acting as though nothing is wrong. It is just that kind of instance that finally moved me to toss out any defective drawers and just go commando if the lingerie drawer comes up empty

Probably the most agregiuos example are the guys who just stuff their hands down the front of their pants ala Al Bundy. Remember “Married With Children”? Many years before that show hit the air I had a friend, David. Great guy, very funny and fun to be around but you couldn’t trust the guy with any piece of upholstered furniture. All he had to do was park his ass in any chair and the legs would immediately spread in a split that an Olypmic gymnasts could only envy and his hand would fly down the front of his pants. It didn’t matter where he was or what the situation, if he was sitting, he was cradling the boys. After being around David I started to notice this action with other guys. Usually though, it tends to be a behavior associated with spectator activities, if watching something can be considered an activity. Viewing sports seems to go without saying. One hand on beer and the other exploring the mystery that is a mans crotch. I’ve never seen some guy in a tux fondling his nuts while watching Aida at the Met, but who knows what happens when the house lights go down.

A lot has been written on the subject of men and their relationship with their genitals. If we have a relationship with our man parts, then I think that there are some guys out there that just have to learn when to let go.